1.10.2026 \ 6:07pm

i've decided to bring the status page back. for how long: we'll see. yesterday was my birthday. the day before that i had a psyche appointment for the first time in a really long. police came to my house and seemed just as annoyed about having to do this as i did. i didn't get institutionalised though so i take it as a win. i'm temporarily unemployed. at least for a month. the psyche seemed to want longer, but yknow. rent. we'll see how things go. he enlightened me as to why i've historically been so difficult to diagnose. i just almost meet the criteria for schizophrenia, schizotypal, and schizoaffective, but missing 1 or 2 on each of them which makes it not "officially" diagnosable. but he does kinda has a very.. textbook definition of a schizophrenic person... so i'm kind of taking it with a grain of salt. he thinks i'm prooobably schizotypal if there needs to be a diagnosis attatched. i'm just going to say i'm schizophrenic because it's close enough. it's all a foreign existence to anyone who isn't psychotic anyway. and i'm confident i'm not schizoaffective because i don't have mood swings. anyway. i scored really highly on the depression test thing (20/27 for those in the know) so he's thinking of putting me on lithium (@_@). the antipsychotics make me feel very strange. i feel really calm, which i kind of hate. i feel really.. vulnerable. i don't know. it makes me feel really stupid also. like my brain is so quiet. it's hard for me to formulate thoughts and create like, thoughts -> plan -> action diagrams in my mind. it's so weird. to all the people of the world with adhd i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm so fucking sorry. i get it now. it's a lot for me to get used to, and very emotionally challenging. my brain means a lot to me. but right now the meds kind of make me feel like a knife that's gone blunt. it's hard. i've been like this for as long as i can remember, it makes me feel like a domesticated animal. i've been assured i will get used to it though. and i believe that. idk. it's just a lot. i'm glad i don't have to work.